Boundaries

For the 7th entry in my 12 Month Challenge I read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It is hard for me to write a review about this book because it is hard to articulate it correctly.

This is a book about setting limits on how much people and life can put a tax on you. For example if have someone always needing your help and it cuts into time you need to do something else, or if someone is always having you do their work for them.

I’m a compliant person, I try not to rock the boat unless I feel I am so far away from the person it won’t hurt me if they get mad. I really fear being alone. I don’t think I have a friend that I could tell anything to and they will still be my friend the next day. This book says that is not a healthy place to be in. That is not enforcing your boundaries. It talks a lot about where you end and someone else begins.

So, being honest for a second, I don’t like a couple people I’m around all the time. It’s not that I don’t like them but I don’t like some of the things they do. But I wouldn’t tell them that because I don’t want to rock the boat. Again, this book illustrates how this is not healthy. When we put up with stuff out of fear, it is not the same as putting up with stuff out of love.

The book goes on to illustrate root causes in these destructive (I’ve certainly noticed them to be so) behavior problems. Some people were abused when they were young so they don’t have a real god sense of physical boundaries. Some have had other traumatic experiences. Or maybe our parents didn’t allow us to say ‘No’ when we were kids. I know the last one can be true for ‘Christian’ parents. Whenever a child says ‘no’ to sharing a toy some Christian parents are like, “Oh there’s that selfishness rising up…” But in fact kids need to be able to say ‘no,’ so that they can protect their property later on. More important property than just toys. If we don’t learn how to say ‘no’ as kids when will we learn it.

Once we learn we can say ‘no,’ that people aren’t going to leave when we say no, and that they respect our no we can then say a very free yes. “Yes! I would love to share with you!” And we can mean it instead of having it forced out of our mouths. And isn’t that the better ‘yes’?

There is this serious need for control in all of us. But the thing this book countlessly went over is that we can only control ourselves. That as our ‘no’ should be respected we should respect other’s no’s. You can guess what that means, if someone doesn’t want to share their toy with you then find another toy. But there is another way this can be applied. When someone is bothering you, say by always chewing food in your ear, you can talk to them about it and if they decide not to stop you can go to the other side of the room. No screaming, no pouting, you control yourself by removing yourself from the aggravating situation. They said no, respect that.
It is the same for people who talk to much or take advantage of you. You do what you can on your part to stop it from happening without trying to manipulate them to be anything less than who they are.

Respect others and accept them for who they are. You may not be able to talk to them all the time and there may be subjects you have to avoid with them. But you aren’t trying to change them even if it is for the better. You aren’t trying to make them less manipulative or nicer. Because the truth is that is not your job it’s theirs . And I don’t know about you but I would get exhausted from trying to change the every single friend of mine.

Also joining me on this challenge:
Andy